My bedroom has floor to ceiling windows which face the backyard. I rarely feel the need to close the curtains because I don’t want to shut out my great view (makes my dogs and cats happy too), and the only way anyone would ever be able to see in is if they’re flagrantly trespassing, which I’ve made difficult to do. My yard is encircled by both a tall fence and a thicket of bushes and trees on both sides of that fence (all on my property).

A couple weeks ago I pulled into my driveway and was greeted by a woman waiting for me. She claimed she was there “out of concern for the neighborhood children”. According to her, she and her kids had seen me through my windows ** “dressed inappropriately”** while they were “hiking”. I told her that wasn’t possible, because the only way anyone could see into my windows would be through my own backyard which is far from any hiking trail. She replied with a condescending “Well sweetie, I’m sorry but I have proof”. She pulled out her phone and showed me a PICTURE taken of me in my underwear through my window. It was very blurry but I knew it was me….mostly based on the fact that my hot tub, pool, and garden were in the foreground of the picture. I pointed this out, and the fact that the ONLY way those things could possibly be in the picture was if it had been taken from inside my back yard.

I asked her directly if she and her kids had jumped my fence. Instead of giving me a direct answer she began lecturing me about how inconsiderate it is to be an exhibitionist around children. I explained that I would NEVER exhibit myself in a situation where I thought young children could see me, but I wasn’t expecting anyone to trespass in my yard. She ignored the mention of trespassing and launched into a tirade about how she’s sure I must be “very proud of my body since I’ve clearly paid enough for it”(I’ve had breast implants and some skin removal due to weight loss, and a few tattoos to cover scars) but that’s no excuse to expose myself to children”. She ended her smug little tirade by saying “So Honey, you’ll be closing your blinds from now on?”. I told her that no, I absolutely wouldn’t be, because only people on my property could see in the windows, and that she and her children were not welcome on my property.

She dropped the sweetness and started bitching that the previous owner of my home had been “family friends” and hadn’t locked their gates, and “why even have a butterfly garden if kids can’t visit?” and that it takes them half an hour to walk to the park unless they go through my yard, and that she’d seen kids at my place before and ‘why were only she and her children being excluded?’.

At this point I was pissed, so I told her that I lock my gates to keep assholes like her out. She just kept harping on the fact that she’d seen other kids at my place so I told her “those are my nephews, who I love, whereas I don’t actually give a single fuck whether you and your kids live or die.”

She started scream-crying at me like she was possessed. I don’t know if you guys remember that insane “God Warrior” lady from trading spouses but THAT is the caliber of yelling that this woman in my driveway was doing. I went inside but she stayed out there for a few minutes. Going on and on about being disrespected and how she was going to call the cops because I was “a pedophile whore making death threats towards her family”.

A few days afterwards, the psycho returned along with a police officer. She had reported that I was exposing myself to her kids and making threats on her life. I told the officer my side of the story and showed him my back yard so he could see that the crazy lady’s “photo-evidence” could have only been taken while trespassing on my property.

He had print outs of her “evidence” and I’m showing him on the pictures that they HAD to be taken inside my fence when I realize that the pictures are actually from several different occasions. I’m wearing different garments in some of them. They were taken on several occasions. I pointed this out, and I point out again that ALL of them had to be taken while trespassing.

At this point it seemed to click for the officer that the lady was batshit (though perhaps he already had an inkling), and he began questioning her about trespassing and taking pictures of me without my consent. He told us both that actually I could pursue charges if I wanted. At this point she dialed the crazy up. Started babbling an insane stream of consciousness that went something like: “well-well-I-you-she-actually, another thing, I think -I didn’t say earlier-but I think she’s a prostitute. She’s got men over all the time. She-I saw her-she was-she was in the yard-she was with two men-but not the man who lives there with her. You know-you know-Why are they-how is -in-there-that-who needs to be in that big house!-without-with no children!!! And-I mean-and she has the-well-those- the big-the big fake breasts-stripper! Bimbo-I mean prostitute breasts. How is she affording-what I’m saying is-something illegal-well it must be-it’s going on in there. Are we taking that into account? This is probable cause-the *breasts-I mean-It’s probable cause, you know that’s probable cause”. I’m not doing it justice but it went on for at least a full *30 seconds of insane babble-ranting while me and the cop just stared at her.

When she stopped the cop essentially said “Well…ok…I’ll look into that but right now we’re discussing the issue of trespassing, ma’am. And photographing Ms. -my name- without her consent”. She ignored that and blurted out “SHE SAID SHE DIDN’T CARE IF MY CHILDREN DIED!”. The officer looked at me with a raised eyebrow but told her that that’s not a crime, and attempted again to redirect to the issues of trespassing and photographing. Once again, she ignored that and asked the officer if he had any kids. He told her he didn’t and she kinda threw her hands up like “oh! well THAT’S the problem here”.

The officer assured her that the law doesn’t change based on whether the responding officer has kids or not. The cop then asked me what I wanted to do. I said that I wanted to drop the whole thing on the condition that she delete the pictures of me in her phone and NEVER set foot on my property again. She didn’t want to agree to either condition but ultimately the officer persuaded her to hand her phone over and he went through her pictures and deleted them “from all folders”(his words, did she have them saved in multiple folders?!). All the while this bitch acts like she’s being violated.

My second condition was more of a sticking point. This woman did NOT want to agree to never set foot on my property. She kept diverting the discussion by saying shit like “She has other kids over here all the time, so I don’t see the issue!”, “Well what if my husband is with the kids how is he supposed to know? Or if they’re with a babysitter?”, and tearfully (over and over again) “I just don’t understand what the problem is!”. Eventually the officer gave up and just told her that she’d officially been warned whether she wanted to accept that or not. She started weeping as if someone had slapped her and had to be escorted out of my yard.

I thought that would be the end of it, but it’s come to my attention that she’s going around door to door in the neighborhood claiming that I’m a pedophilic prostitute and asking people to sign a petition to get me to move. Absolute insanity. So, now I’m going to have to figure out how to issue a cease and desist to this bitch I guess. What a fucking headache.

(UPDATE)

After making my initial post I took a lot of the advice from people who replied to me. Ultimately, the cost of legal fees to deal with this woman would have been insane, so we decided that before we went that route, we’d see if she could be deterred without a straight up lawsuit. We contacted the police department again and they had an officer go to the crazy woman’s house and basically tell her she HAD to stop or she was gonna be in deep shit. After that, things were pretty quiet until a few days before thanksgiving when I once again came home to find a person in my goddamn driveway.

This time though it was a much more pleasant experience. It was the crazy mombies adult (I’d guess 30something) son, wanting to apologize to me for his mothers insanity and fill me in on what his family was doing about her. He was a very nice guy and was really candid about answering all the questions I had.

According to Adult Son (AS), mombie has been taking her children on “hikes” that cut through my property for years (he explained that the people who lived there before us had been cool with it). His mother had caught his younger brother (high school aged) looking at me through my window a few times when they walked through my yard, and was extremely upset about it because she felt as though my presence was corrupting their mother-son time. AS told me that he thinks the inciting incident for his mother’s spiral into insanity was when the teen son pointed me out to AS in front of mombie. He said she got REALLY upset and cried in her room for the whole night and screamed at everyone who tried to talk to her.

He thinks that’s probably around when she started sneaking into my yard on her own and taking pictures of me. He claims the rest of the family had NO idea she’d done this, or that she was circulating a petition or spreading rumors about me until the police had shown up at their door to tell her that she had to stop her bad behavior. After the police came over, her family confronted her and she basically had a huge freak out (apparently she believed I was trying to seduce ALL the men in her family) and threatened to kill herself. The cops were called, and ultimately, she was committed. AS informed me that this wasn’t the first time his mother had gone nuts, and that all of her freak outs had involved her paranoia about non-Jewish women (the family is Jewish) who were even tangentially near the family. The neighborhood we moved into is a very Jewish place, and we might be the only non-Jewish people around so perhaps that truly did trigger her.

So as of now, she’s in an institution. I exchanged contact info with AS and he will inform me about what’s happening with her (like if she’s getting out) and I will call him if she’s ever in my goddamn yard again.

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